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How to Find & Be a Great Romantic Partner | Lori Gottlieb

Huberman Lab

The Huberman Lab podcast is hosted by Andrew Huberman, Ph.D., a neuroscientist and tenured professor in the department of neurobiology, and by courtesy, psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford School of Medicine. The podcast discusses neuroscience and science-based tools, including how our brain and its connections with the organs of our body control our perceptions, our behaviors, and our health, as well as existing and emerging tools for measuring and changing how our nervous system works.
Huberman has made numerous significant contributions to the fields of brain development, brain function, and neural plasticity, which is the ability of our nervous system to rewire and learn new behaviors, skills, and cognitive functioning. He is a McKnight Foundation and Pew Foundation Fellow and was awarded the Cogan Award, given to the scientist making the most significant discoveries in the study of vision, in 2017. 
Work from the Huberman Laboratory at Stanford School of Medicine has been published in top journals, including Nature, Science, and Cell, and has been featured in TIME, BBC, Scientific American, Discover, and other top media outlets.
In 2021, Dr. Huberman launched the Huberman Lab podcast. The podcast is frequently ranked in the top 10 of all podcasts globally and is often ranked #1 in the categories of Science, Education, and Health & Fitness.

My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.

Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.

Thank you to our sponsors
AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman
Helix Sleep: https://helixsleep.com/huberman
BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/huberman
David Protein: https://davidprotein.com/huberman
LMNT: https://drinklmnt.com/huberman

Timestamps
00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb
00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings
00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective
00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp
00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business
00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy
00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?
00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance
00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein
00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm
00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing
01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings
01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text
01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability
01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT
01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions
01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation
01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency
01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward
01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss
01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison
02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation
02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety
02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History
02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy
02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness
02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities
02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions
02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds
02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses
02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion
03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss
03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life
03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

Disclaimer & Disclosures

My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.

Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.

Thank you to our sponsors

AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman

Helix Sleep: https://helixsleep.com/huberman

BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/huberman

David Protein: https://davidprotein.com/huberman

LMNT: https://drinklmnt.com/huberman

Timestamps

00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb

00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings

00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective

00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp

00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business

00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy

00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?

00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance

00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein

00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm

00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing

01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings

01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text

01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability

01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT

01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions

01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation

01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency

01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward

01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss

01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison

02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation

02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety

02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History

02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy

02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness

02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities

02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions

02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds

02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses

02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion

03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss

03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life

03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

Disclaimer & Disclosures
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