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GUEST SERIES | Dr. Paul Conti: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Huberman Lab

The Huberman Lab podcast is hosted by Andrew Huberman, Ph.D., a neuroscientist and tenured professor in the department of neurobiology, and by courtesy, psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford School of Medicine. The podcast discusses neuroscience and science-based tools, including how our brain and its connections with the organs of our body control our perceptions, our behaviors, and our health, as well as existing and emerging tools for measuring and changing how our nervous system works.
Huberman has made numerous significant contributions to the fields of brain development, brain function, and neural plasticity, which is the ability of our nervous system to rewire and learn new behaviors, skills, and cognitive functioning. He is a McKnight Foundation and Pew Foundation Fellow and was awarded the Cogan Award, given to the scientist making the most significant discoveries in the study of vision, in 2017. 
Work from the Huberman Laboratory at Stanford School of Medicine has been published in top journals, including Nature, Science, and Cell, and has been featured in TIME, BBC, Scientific American, Discover, and other top media outlets.
In 2021, Dr. Huberman launched the Huberman Lab podcast. The podcast is frequently ranked in the top 10 of all podcasts globally and is often ranked #1 in the categories of Science, Education, and Health & Fitness.

This is episode 3 of a 4-part special series on mental health with Dr. Paul Conti, M.D., a psychiatrist who did his medical training at Stanford School of Medicine and residency at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of the book, “Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic.” Dr. Conti explains how to find, develop and strengthen healthy relationships — including romantic relationships, work and colleague relationships, and friendships. He explains a roadmap of the conscious and unconscious mind that can allow anyone to navigate conflicts better and set healthy boundaries in relationships. We also discuss common features of unhealthy relationships and clinically supported tools for dealing with relationship insecurity, excessive anxiety, past traumas, manipulation and abuse. Dr. Conti explains how, in healthy relationships, there emerges a dynamic of the mutually generative “us” and how to continually improve that dynamic. The next episode in this special series explores true self-care, which can be cultivated through a process of building self-awareness along with other important practices.  
For the full show notes, visit hubermanlab.com.
Thank you to our sponsors
AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman
BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/huberman
Waking Up: https://wakingup.com/huberman
Eight Sleep: https://eightsleep.com/huberman
Momentous: https://livemomentous.com/huberman
Timestamps
(00:00:00) Build Healthy Relationships
(00:02:04) Sponsors: BetterHelp & Waking Up
(00:05:01) Healthiest Self in Relationships
(00:10:51) Structure & Function of Self
(00:15:44) Relationships, Levels of Emergence
(00:22:48) Generative Drive in Relationships
(00:35:00) Sponsor: AG1
(00:36:26) Generative Drive, Aggressive Drive, Pleasure Drive
(00:45:16) Romantic Relationships & Matched Generative Drives, Trauma Bonds
(00:53:05) Generative Drive Expression, Libido, Giving & Taking
(01:04:29) Sponsor: Eight Sleep
(01:05:50) Generative Drive in Partnerships
(01:11:16) Libido, Avoidance & Working through Barriers
(01:18:02) Repeating Bad Relationship Patterns, Repetition Compulsion
(01:29:23) Narcissism, Dependence, Attachment Insecurity
(01:34:10) Abusive Relationships, Demoralization
(01:39:37) Oppressors, Darkness, Hope & Change
(01:48:08) Work Relationships, Oppression & Accountability
(01:53:53) Jealousy vs. Envy, Narcissism
(01:59:13) Power Dynamics in Relationships
(02:05:54) Giving vs. Taking in Relationships
(02:09:39) Transactions & Relationships; Family & Generative Drive; Flexibility
(02:19:47) Relationships & Kindergarten
(02:23:04) Anxiety in Relationships, Communication
(02:31:32) The “Magic Bridge of the Us”
(02:37:09) Mentalization, Getting into Another’s Mindset; Navigating Conflict
(02:46:51) Healthy Boundaries
(02:52:08) Self-Awareness, Mentalization
(02:55:28) “Broken Compass” & Self Inquiry, “Map” Analogy
(03:02:25) Zero-Cost Support, YouTube Feedback, Spotify & Apple Reviews, Sponsors, Social Media, Momentous, Neural Network Newsletter
Title Card Photo Credit: Mike Blabac
Disclaimer

This is episode 3 of a 4-part special series on mental health with Dr. Paul Conti, M.D., a psychiatrist who did his medical training at Stanford School of Medicine and residency at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of the book, “Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic.” Dr. Conti explains how to find, develop and strengthen healthy relationships — including romantic relationships, work and colleague relationships, and friendships. He explains a roadmap of the conscious and unconscious mind that can allow anyone to navigate conflicts better and set healthy boundaries in relationships. We also discuss common features of unhealthy relationships and clinically supported tools for dealing with relationship insecurity, excessive anxiety, past traumas, manipulation and abuse. Dr. Conti explains how, in healthy relationships, there emerges a dynamic of the mutually generative “us” and how to continually improve that dynamic. The next episode in this special series explores true self-care, which can be cultivated through a process of building self-awareness along with other important practices.  
For the full show notes, visit hubermanlab.com.
Thank you to our sponsors
AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman
BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/huberman
Waking Up: https://wakingup.com/huberman
Eight Sleep: https://eightsleep.com/huberman
Momentous: https://livemomentous.com/huberman
Timestamps
(00:00:00) Build Healthy Relationships
(00:02:04) Sponsors: BetterHelp & Waking Up
(00:05:01) Healthiest Self in Relationships
(00:10:51) Structure & Function of Self
(00:15:44) Relationships, Levels of Emergence
(00:22:48) Generative Drive in Relationships
(00:35:00) Sponsor: AG1
(00:36:26) Generative Drive, Aggressive Drive, Pleasure Drive
(00:45:16) Romantic Relationships & Matched Generative Drives, Trauma Bonds
(00:53:05) Generative Drive Expression, Libido, Giving & Taking
(01:04:29) Sponsor: Eight Sleep
(01:05:50) Generative Drive in Partnerships
(01:11:16) Libido, Avoidance & Working through Barriers
(01:18:02) Repeating Bad Relationship Patterns, Repetition Compulsion
(01:29:23) Narcissism, Dependence, Attachment Insecurity
(01:34:10) Abusive Relationships, Demoralization
(01:39:37) Oppressors, Darkness, Hope & Change
(01:48:08) Work Relationships, Oppression & Accountability
(01:53:53) Jealousy vs. Envy, Narcissism
(01:59:13) Power Dynamics in Relationships
(02:05:54) Giving vs. Taking in Relationships
(02:09:39) Transactions & Relationships; Family & Generative Drive; Flexibility
(02:19:47) Relationships & Kindergarten
(02:23:04) Anxiety in Relationships, Communication
(02:31:32) The “Magic Bridge of the Us”
(02:37:09) Mentalization, Getting into Another’s Mindset; Navigating Conflict
(02:46:51) Healthy Boundaries
(02:52:08) Self-Awareness, Mentalization
(02:55:28) “Broken Compass” & Self Inquiry, “Map” Analogy
(03:02:25) Zero-Cost Support, YouTube Feedback, Spotify & Apple Reviews, Sponsors, Social Media, Momentous, Neural Network Newsletter
Title Card Photo Credit: Mike Blabac
Disclaimer
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