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#880: Relationship Tools That Work — Esther Perel, Brené Brown, Dr. Sue Johnson, Terry Real, and More on Conflict, Repair, and Lasting Love

The Tim Ferriss Show

Tim Ferriss is a self-experimenter and bestselling author, best known for The 4-Hour Workweek, which has been translated into 40+ languages. Newsweek calls him "the world's best human guinea pig," and The New York Times calls him "a cross between Jack Welch and a Buddhist monk." In this show, he deconstructs world-class performers from eclectic areas (investing, chess, pro sports, etc.), digging deep to find the tools, tactics, and tricks that listeners can use.

This episode is devoted to one deceptively simple question: How do you stay close to your partner over time through the inevitable exhaustion, misunderstanding, conflict, disappointment, and change?This episode is brought to you by:<ul><li><a href="https://www.eightsleep.com/tim/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Eight Sleep Pod Cover 5</a> with dual-zone temperature control, so each partner sleeps at their perfect temperature</li></ul>In this episode: <ul><li>Esther Perel begins with the basics: appreciation, affection, and replacing chronic complaints with clear requests.</li><li>Brené Brown explains why marriage is never 50/50 and how she and her husband create what Brené calls a “plan of kindness.” </li><li>Brad Feld describes the monthly “life dinners” that have helped him and his wife review the previous 30 days, talk honestly about the future, and prevent resentments from building up</li><li>Jim Dethmer offers a practical way to distinguish observable facts from the stories we make up about our partners.</li><li>Sheila Heen explains how humor and genuine curiosity can serve as an interrupt on an argument that is heating up </li><li>The late Dr. Sue Johnson then walks us through a “Hold Me Tight” conversation—a way of moving beneath anger and defensiveness to the fear, vulnerability, and need for connection underneath.</li><li>Terry Real then offers a strikingly simple model for repair and introduces the term “normal marital hatred” - as he put it, nobody ever goes up to him and says “What do you mean by that?!”</li><li>Finally, Diana Chapman describes what it means to let an outdated version of a marriage end so that two people can consciously choose what comes next for their relationship.</li></ul>Timestamps:Intro from Tim: 00:00:00Esther Perel: 00:01:58Brené Brown: 00:08:21Brad Feld: 00:12:02Jim Dethmer: 00:16:51Shelia Heen: 00:23:04Dr. Sue Johnson: 00:29:26Terry Real: 00:40:14Diana Chapman: 00:46:19Short bios:<ul><li><a href="https://www.estherperel.com/about" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Esther Perel</a> is an internationally renowned psychotherapist, the New York Times bestselling author of Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, and the host of the award-winning podcast Where Should We Begin?</li><li><a href="https://brenebrown.com/about/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Brené Brown</a> is the author of six number-one New York Times bestsellers exploring courage, vulnerability, shame, and resilience; a research professor at the University of Houston; and a professor of practice at the University of Texas at Austin.</li><li><a href="https://feld.com/about/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Brad Feld</a> is an early-stage investor and entrepreneur and a co-founder of Foundry Group, Mobius Venture Capital, and Techstars. He writes on entrepreneurship, leadership, mental health, and sustaining a life beyond work.</li><li><a href="https://conscious.is/about/jim-dethmer/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Jim Dethmer</a> is a co-founder of the Conscious Leadership Group and co-author of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, an influential framework for building candid, responsible, high-trust relationships.</li><li><a href="https://hls.harvard.edu/faculty/sheila-heen/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Sheila Heen</a> is the deputy director of the Harvard Negotiation Project, founder of Triad Consulting Group, and co-author of the New York Times bestsellers Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback.</li><li><a href="https://www.drsuejohnson.com/about/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Dr. Sue Johnson</a> was the pioneering clinical psychologist who created Emotionally Focused Therapy. She was named Psychologist of the Year by the American Psychological Association and appointed to the Order of Canada for her global impact on psychotherapy.</li><li><a href="https://terryreal.com/about/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Terry Real</a> is an internationally recognized family therapist, a bestselling author, and the creator of Relational Life Therapy. He has spent more than four decades helping couples restore intimacy and connection.</li><li><a href="https://www.dianachapman.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Diana Chapman</a> is co-author of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, a cofounder of the Conscious Leadership Group, and founder of the Signal Institute, working with leaders on radical honesty, somatic intelligence, and transformation.</li></ul>*For show notes and past guests on <a href="https://tim.blog/podcast" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Tim Ferriss Show</a>, please visit <a href="https://tim.blog/podcast/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=podcast-description" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">tim.blog/podcast</a>.For deals from sponsors of <a href="https://tim.blog/podcast" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Tim Ferriss Show</a>, please visit <a href="https://tim.blog/podcast-sponsors" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">tim.blog/podcast-sponsors</a>Sign up for Tim’s email newsletter (5-Bullet Friday) at <a href="https://go.tim.blog/5-bullet-friday-1/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">tim.blog/friday</a>.For transcripts of episodes, go to <a href="https://tim.blog/transcripts" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">tim.blog/transcripts</a>.Discover Tim’s books: <a href="https://tim.blog/books" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">tim.blog/books</a>.Follow Tim:Twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/tferriss" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">twitter.com/tferriss</a> Instagram: <a href="https://instagram.com/timferriss/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">instagram.com/timferriss</a>YouTube: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/timferriss" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">youtube.com/timferriss</a>Facebook: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TimFerriss/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">facebook.com/timferriss</a> LinkedIn: <a href="http://linkedin.com/in/timferriss" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">linkedin.com/in/timferriss</a>See Privacy Policy at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://art19.com/privacy</a> and California Privacy Notice at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info</a>.

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#880: Relationship Tools That Work — Esther Perel, Brené Brown, Dr. Sue Johnson, Terry Real, and More on Conflict, Repair, and Lasting Love

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